What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
Spoiler Alert!
https://imgur.com/0oRfgob
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta