Fast as hell!
but none of them work.
A silent knight.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
It will be the last thing I do.
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Then they hung her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What does the bar tender says when a Neutron enters the bar?”No charge for you sir”
Curiosity killed them all
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
I wonder what she's up to now?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I still do, but I used to too
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
Me: sipping toast Why?
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
They just gave me a cold shoulder
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The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Police are combing the area.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
He was beside himself
One asks, do you smell fish?
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
Two test tickles.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
It was a millennial falcon.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.