Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'…
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.

My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.