Fastest way to annoy a Trump fan is to quote Trump.
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
