Fat Guy Bad
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
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The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.
The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: "The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?" Gambler says "I am a professional gambler." "A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face. "Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?" "Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration" "I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler. "OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney. "All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye." IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000. "I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?" IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk. "YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money. "Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney. "What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent. "Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.