Fat-Kat
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
