fat woman = funny
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: āHey can you check this to see if itās right?ā Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: āwell, first of all, itās written upside down.ā And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Judge : I order you to pay Ā£10,000
MARIO : why Judge : itās a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
A mathematician came home and told his wife, āsorry honey, but Iām leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. Iāll be home in a few hours and Iād like for you to be gone.ā
He got back home and found a note that read,ā hi honey, Iāve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think youāll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.ā
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks āIs having a penis nice?ā
The man laughed and said āEh, it has its ups and downs.ā
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
Itās the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. Itās full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guyās table, points at him and says in a loud voice: āI FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!ā Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesnāt move, but he also doesnāt take his eyes off the old man. āYou hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!ā The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. āWhatās the matter with ya, ya pussy? Aināt you got nothing to say?!ā Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . āLetās get you home, Grampa. Youāre drunk.ā
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but Iām too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
Son: āDad, your clothes look gay.ā
Dad: āI just got them out of the closet though.ā
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, āGet in and Iāll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.ā "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, Iām a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs Iāve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.