Father I cannot click the book
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
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What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
