Father please
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I canโt tell whether itโs 2B or not 2B.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whatโs the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Iโll never forget my granddadโs last words to me just before he diedโฆ
โAre you still holding the ladder!?โ
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
Is it still called beef when vegans fight
It depends on what's at steak
Oregon Trail
Youโre walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. Youโve died of dissen terry.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! ๐๐
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says โexcuse me sir, my cat lost itโs tail and I noticed you have some cattails over thereโ…
Confused, the farmer says โYeah?…โ โCan I take one, please?โ The man asks politely. โSuuuure…โ the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real catโs tail in hand, says โThank you, sir!โ and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. โYour cat lose itโs tail again?โ the farmer laughs. โNo, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?โ The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmerโs surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says โThank youโ and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: โExcuse me, sir. I couldnโt help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…โ โWAIT A MINUTE!!!โ The farmer shouts. โLet me grab my gloves, Iโm cominโ with ya.โ
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. โWow, this bed is big!โ โEverything is big in Texas,โ says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. โWow these drinks are big!โ The bartender replies, โEverything is big in Texas.โ After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. โSecond door to the right,โ says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, โDonโt flush, donโt flush!โ
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, โHey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?โ The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, โBefore you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and Iโm a 6โฒ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. Whatโs more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and heโs a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and sheโs a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?โ The blind man replies โNah, not if Iโm gonna have to explain it five times.โ
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ainโt no son of mine
Sheโd be my daughter๐ฅฐ
My aunt posts a lot of gold on her Facebook but I think this is my new favorite
https://ift.tt/2ZQDv57
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we wonโt get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks aboutโฆ
โฆthe other four letters?