Father posted this one on Facebook.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve