“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital."
"Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?"
"Yes it is."
"eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh"
"Quiet, Brick"
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said βIβm warm.β Son piped up and said βI can finally say this – Hi Warm, Iβm Dad.β Proud moment.
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
I just said, βNo commentβ all the way through the police interview…
I didnβt get the job.
My friendβs girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasnβt that much into her anyways.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
Iβve won, but at what cost?
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Why is βdarkβ spelled with a K and not a C
You canβt C in the dark
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please donβt hurt me)
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said βwould you please press one?β So I did.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.