Fauci facepalm immortalized
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards
Patient: And?
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!