Favorite I’ve seen
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
