I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
Igloos it together
Would it then be called an Edison?
He's all right now.
It’s hit or miss
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I’m just in it for kicks.
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
…of the indoor fins…
He calls them missle toes.
It had no reaction.
No text found
Because he’s an X-Boxer
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
No text found
For meatier showers
The plot thickens.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Because he conditioned it.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
A four-chin teller
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure