I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…