Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, โLook at that escargot!โ Youโre welcome.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said โ1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: โThere is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight, now how many wings this black rooster got?โ Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight, now how many eyes this black rooster got?โ Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: โI don't know? A lot?โ Homeless man: โWell, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?โ
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. Thatโs how we get Number 2 pencils.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
In Alabama, we donโt do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I canโt see myself doing that again any time soon.
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them โ theyโre imaginary too…
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime