Feeling like 2016 again
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Never lacking
Never lacking
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.