Feels like a Moray becoming a knight of the realm…
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.