feelsronaldman
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
So a girl comes in late to class…
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."