Female bad male good
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
I don't know and I don't care.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I’d have to legally change my name.
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I get scared just thinking about it!
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Because tea leaves.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
but none of them work
The difference is staggering.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
They don’t like turning their back on family
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
I’ve never met herbivore.
The library,it's got the most stories
Then I saw the next two letters…
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
I still have flashbacks!
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
the punchline is too long
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
He replies: "I am not your dad"
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
would you refuse?
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
She couldn’t see that well.