Female bad
How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?
By walking. JK. Rolling.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
“Tell me what you want.” I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned…
"I want my guitar back."
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak