Females in the kitchen good; wife bad
T E E T H
the only thing more satisfying is having glucose in stock
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
Soemtimes this is the way
They are both 13!
How to get rich quick!!
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
Abstract Equality Comparison Algorithm at its finest
It’s only fair
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
And it burns
This came across one of my feeds…fits well here.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
It’s the new style
A warning to people with kidney disease.
I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]
This is perfect!
It do be like that tho
Wtf is air dad?
Kid smart and Adult dumb?
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
This happens to me all the time
F for Pluto
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
CNN’s chyron right now
Anti-Vax Parents be like:
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
An interesting title
I guess Trump fell off the wagon this week
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
Ahh yes, the good old days..
Caught in a Lie….Again 🤦🏾♀️
big brain meme
Somebody’s in trouble
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
Found on FB
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
We just don’t “understand”
404 Decorations Not Found
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Putting the trash back where it came from.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
Just Shut It Down
For real though
Finding for the actual answer