Fight or flight 24/7
In one lost episode, Superman almost dies because he was wearing the wrong sized cloak.
He had a narrow S cape.
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
I’m really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
I got a phone call from my son’s school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
Your underwear is incorrect, please try again. If you can’t remember your underwear, enter your email and we will send you recovery instructions. Your underwear is too small, it must have atleast three holes. Your underwear hint is “Am I wearing any?” Your new underwear cannot be your old underwear.
https://ift.tt/38Rkqnb
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Wait for it
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey. Why the long face?"
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
They say smoking causes cancer
But it cures salmon
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"