Filling the void
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He’s put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.
The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon. "That sure is a nice fire truck you got there." "Thanks," the boy says. The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. As the red wagon stops in front of him, the fireman observes, The fireman says, "Little pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to hook that rope around the cat's collar, I bet he could pull harder." The kid answered, "I know, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
I could really see myself making mirrors.
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I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
It takes guts to be an organ donor
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How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Bro is hallucinating
Bro is hallucinating
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around