Filling the void
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
The German replies "Nein, just one."
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
So he isn’t spotted
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
Or are they getting pressured into it?
I think that's a bit far fetched.
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.