Filthy frank 🤣
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
You can do better
You can do better