Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.