Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
I find bone puns very
Humerus
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Inside of brain a HR: You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked one company for 8 years why you leave? (He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside of brain a HR:
You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked one company for 8 years why you leave?
(He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo