F***ing millenials
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..