Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
What does a house wear?
Address
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
