Fire legs
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Fatherβs Day!
Me: Yeah, but itβs son day as well.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
βIβm pumpedβ.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
Iβve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and Iβll be one whole Roy!
The perfect Front-End β Back-End representation I found at this school [OC]
https://ift.tt/2TbEmw9
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
My kid asked me, βDad, what are condoms used for?β
I said, βUsually to avoid answering questions like these.β
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
Iβm about to start a religious movement.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.