Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?
By walking. JK. Rolling.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
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