First!
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeonβs office
βCan I help you?β He asked. βI keep thinking that Iβm a moth.β I replied. βYou probably want a Psychiatrist for that.β βYeah, I know.β He looked confused. βThen why are you here?β βThe light was on.β
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, βI cum in peas.β
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
I got the words, βjacuzziβ and βyakuzaβ confused…
Now Iβm in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, βlook at the frickinβ elephant, dad!β
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… βWhat did you just call it?β I asked. βIt's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!β he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: Thatβs when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thatβs impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive