[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive!
Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
The western world
A copypasta
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
