First thing on Facebook…
"You crossed the wrong guy."
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
…worst postcard ever.
They always quack the case.
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
He's being smog
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
I’ve never had a beef with one.
He won the no-bell prize.
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
They did unspeakable things to me.
if you haven’t botany
Because dogs can't whistle!
tosses him a frisbee
'it's a coughy filter.'
I can also tell if they are standing.
He goes undercover
But the odds were against them
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
With little Caesars (Seezors)