First time ?
Guess gods a boomer too
light em up
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Ahhahahaha bookkokkok book
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
At least its working
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
Millennials are killing the church
How’s that working out today?
These days in India (more info in comments)
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
Wife bad, oatmeal good
Bread wife bad
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Haha, young people dumb.
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Thought NZ would win the World Cup
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Translation: Can my wife join you?
Have we said wife bad enough?
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
Gun make me big strong man.
Just 9 Days
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
Found it on the wild
It’s not fine
When was chlorophyll discovered
The Best one I’ve seen so far…“Yeaeee!”
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
YouTube Commenter Becomes Professional Counter-Strike Player
My grandpa’s facebook post….
A prodigy classic.
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
Adrenaline power point ending
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Frank?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" "No — I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
Sometimes it only takes going to lunch …
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
*reads in Carl Sagan’s voice*
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
he LITERALLY caught the bug 😂🤣😅
Conservatives in a nutshell
Today i received this. love it
When I am asked to comment my code
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Big brain meme
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
[NSFW] religious boomer humor
I wish it was that simple
Understanding stack traces is an art