First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
I'm finally above average for something
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
A garbage truck
and a Czech one too.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
He was sentenced to death
You can hide but you can't run.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
You’ll get Jurasskicked
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Me: Technically I can’t.
He was really hauling ass.
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
Because you can see right through them!
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
I yelled, "Good guess!"
But when I do, he usually laughs