First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
