Fishing good, wife bad.
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.