It was motherfucking gold.
We never turn our back on Family
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
I almost choked on my own cock
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
there will be mass confusion.
Because it's the scenter.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
She wanted to see the task manager.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A four-chin teller.
But you guys didn't like it.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
It has a lot time to reflect.
That makes me an eighth theist.
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
They deserve a no bell prize
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.