fits here
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
this
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NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
For real tho
For real tho
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
I find bone puns very
Humerus
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?