Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
I heard a little pun the other day
It wasn't fully groan
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.