Fixed it
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.