Fixed the sign
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, βHoney, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, Iβm not lying.β
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Whatβs blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, βI bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.β The blonde thinks, βI bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.β The Frenchman thinks, βI bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.β The Englishman thinks, βI canβt wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.β
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, βIf Iβm in the mood to get frisky, Iβll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.β The husband said, βAnd if Iβm interested, Iβll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.β
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien π½ (Illuminati theme song playin')
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you canβt
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: Thatβs wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And thereβs a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.