Fixed the sign
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex? -There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: -What you doing!? -Aren't we…? Going to do the donkey thing? -We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!