Fixing Bugs in Legacy Applications
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s