Fleetwood Crack
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7chttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97https://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.