FlEx tApE cAnT fIx tHaT
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"