**flexing in survivor of the fittest** (not good at titles, sorry).
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
I’m really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
No text found
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!