Flip the switch
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick