Florida people are super weird ngl
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Also heard something like:Faster you go slower the time around you. So if you move as fast as light ,which is the limit, the time will stop around you. And if you go faster than light you will travel back in time.(I’m not sure of that information so please correct me if I’m wrong)
https://ift.tt/2RNcaiq
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball