Flourine in the chat
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.