Fluorine uranium carbon potassium
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back